FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CHICAGO – Oct. 9, 2018. Today marks a monumental leap in cinematic history. After a weekend of careful deliberation, prayer, and reflection, I have decided that Bradley Cooper is a better actor than Matt Damon. The question of “Are we sure Bradley Cooper isn’t better than Matt Damon?” in an extremely Bill Simmons voice originated while I was driving home after a Thursday night viewing of A Star is Born with Mrs. Kenyon. Originally, the ranking of best male actors in Hollywood was lead by Mr. Damon, with Mr. Cooper climbing his way up the AP polls. After nailing the perfect triple threat performance of actor, singer, and director in A Star is Born, Mr. Cooper has triumphantly knocked Matt Damon off the mountaintop. The sudden shift in power has left me hopeful for this bright future, but undoubtedly depleted. I ask the media to respect my privacy at this time of rest and recovery. All further questions can be referred to my attorney or spokesperson, Mrs. Kenyon.
I write the words I'm too uncomfortable to say.